Friday, October 27, 2006

But What If She Says "No"?

Maybe it is my recovering body inserting too many endorphins into my blood? Maybe I'm reading too many of your blogs.? I'm not sure what is up, but I do know that my real life is calling me. Maybe it has just been quiet enough lately that I was able to hear? Maybe I can keep writing sentences that start with "maybe"?

I'm edgy and unsettled. I'm not like that. I keep closing my eyes and seeing visions of long, quiet days at home tilling the ground. I see myself sitting under the big maple tree at 1:17 P.M. on a Wednesday and reading a book. I see myself chasing chickens around the yard. I see myself riding my bike everywhere. I see blisters on my hands from too much hoeing. I see myself hunkered over a sheet of figures trying to piece together a plan to never pay taxes again. I see lists of foods I can grow, how much I'll need and how I can store them. I see myself using the library much more than I've even imagined. I see myself buying clothes based on how long they'll last rather than how good I'll look when I wear them. I see the solar panels in the back yard. I see myself buying a couple more acres in the back yard. I see dairy goats playing with each other in a pen. I see my wife with dirt on her nose as she walks back from the berry patch. I see the look on my face as I sit in the remains of the first deer I butchered. I see the word processing document with two columns: "Why I Should Keep Working" and "Why I Should Stop Working". I see myself sizing everything up regarding how much it will cost me rather than how much pleasure it will bring me. I see myself losing track of what day it is. I see myself happy to get up in the morning. I see the look on the faces of everyone I know when I tell them I'm dropping out. I see myself beginning to understand what it means to be free. I see myself knowing that my eyes are beginning to open.

I'm not sure what the hell is going on, but it frightens me.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I really like this post. I'm honored that you let us see inside your thinking. Yes, dropping out is such an allure, but I don't think it can be done quickly. The very process itself, though, is filled with the rewards of facing and overcoming fears. That right there is worth it.

November 19, 2006 10:00 PM  

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