Thursday, February 22, 2007

I'm Sick of Both

I've been a bit preoccupied the last couple weeks with two main issues: 1) The recent storm that kicked the Northeast in the nads and 2) My son-in-law was home on leave from King George's "war" in Iraq.

I've spent about 15 hours shoveling and still have another 3 or 4 to go. I hope I can finish before the next round of wintery water. I don't enjoy shoveling the way I once did. In the past, shoveling snow was a way for me to spend some quiet moments focusing only on the sounds of the shovel and the effect of gravity on the snow as it battered the ground. After a time you settle into a rhythm and all is right with the world. You gain a perspective and see what is important. Now, I'm just tired. I think I'm going to open the wallet and get a snowblower for the next season. I don't want to, but time has a way of forcing one's hand (and it beats moving to Florida).

More important than removing frozen precipitation is the fact that my son-in-law was home with us for a couple weeks and was able to spend time with his family. I can't tell you how wonderful it was for my daughter. But today, she is a shattered shell of a person. She has another set of months in which she must worry daily about his health and suffer under the weight which is life as a single parent, all thanks to our wonderful president. Being a parent is hard enough, but doing it alone while your husband is in harm's way is quite another. My grandson is the light of my life. I can't imagine what it must be like to be separated for so long from someone so marvelous. He is small, innocent, sweet natured and without a father. When he looks at you, his face lights up as if to say, "I'm so happy to see you." Each time he acknowledges my presence with his glowing visage I thank whomsoever created me that I am alive. I also remember that his father cannot see this every day and want to weep.

Even from the moment my son-in-law arrived, I couldn't help but fast forward to this day when I knew my daughter would have to let him go again. Since our commander-in-chief was spared combat, he doesn't know what it is like, so he has no motivation to end this sham. If he could see my daughter's face, he'd change his mind. I guess that is why they build ivory towers so high.

My mind has wandered from place to place over these last couple weeks. I've tried desperately to find a way out of this madness that is modern American life. But, like quicksand, the more I struggle, the deeper I find myself sinking. I have no way out right now. All I can do is hang on and wait this out. If only my anger would stop growing with each passing day. I've never hated my country before, and perhaps I don't now, but I can't help but wonder what is so wonderful about being in this place anymore? Where are the true Americans? Why has this insanity been allowed to go on for so long? God knows I've done what I can. I've marched and protested and called and written. Such words are wasted on the deaf and dumb (either definition will do).

So all I try to do now is deal with each day's tasks. All I have is the structured necessities of life for each day. I am starting to get my seeds ready for planting. I am thinking of building an electric car over the summer. I'm always trying to find ways to cut back so as to feel a bit less of the grip this world has on my flesh. I am drafting ideas for a local sustainability group. I might take a permaculture course in April ( but only if my taxes don't kill me). I try to get through the day without letting anger gain more territory. I guess I am at war too.


Blogger Ian said...

Find yourself some sunlight Frank.

...The winter dark makes matters worse.

A little light will bring things back into focus for you, and you´ll remember that the cage you may feel you´re in, that nightmare, is just an apparition.

February 22, 2007 11:43 AM  
Blogger zane said...

Thanks for the post.

I am convinced, with the birth of my own son, that if we could all just connect with a baby, in the way you have described, that we could shift out of the mess. How is it that we forget about life?

We likely get less light than you, here on the west coast, but I think I would be more gloomy if I lived in the US.

The child is fortunate to have care that is extending across generations, at least.

February 23, 2007 2:08 PM  
Blogger comrade simba said...

This is the time of year where it seems as if every flat surface in the house has something germinating in it. Watch your step or something will die! There is dirt everywhere that isn't swept three times a day, and I will soon forget what is planted where.

But I don't care about knowing what is where. The important thing is just getting seed in dirt. It's a sanity thing. My instinct is to just plant. I can't know what exactly will grow well this year, what I'll overplant or underplant, what discoveries I will make by accident, or what I will learn that will carryover to next year.

The only thing I know is that if any of the mundane business of life supercedes growing food I am cheating myself. Selling my soul for cheap entertainment. People may say I'm boring or shut-in or closed down, in the near future I'll have proved myself as being on the right track.

I guess for entertainment purposes, rather than watching tv or yabbering about what's on sale at Wal-Mart I surf the latest antics of the White House's great terror campaign. Got a nephew in the Marines and he's either a dead man or someone who will pass me cigarettes through the fence at the detention center. My circle of friends has a guy in it who is in basic training now. They all yabber on about his letters and such and I told them to tell him to shoot himself in the foot. They think I'm bad for calling him a dead man. I warned him personally before he signed up. My circle shrinks but the square footage of the garden expands. I don't have time to waste on civilization's silly games.

Get the seeds in the ground and stock up on quality socks.

February 23, 2007 7:55 PM  
Blogger Jim said...

Still quiet Frank? I hope things are ok mate.

March 09, 2007 1:30 PM  
Blogger Marcy said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

May 06, 2007 4:47 PM  
Blogger eva said...

My first thought - if it was n`t Iraq, don`t you think we would find another enemy to go to war with?
Second - it`s not America, it`s the whole human community that allows countries take the actions they are taking. Why Hitler could do what he did? Or Stalin? Because they were allowed to by all mankind...sad, yes, but so true.
Ask yourself, when you see action movies, action comics or another violent heroes being great idols to our kids - does it change their future? My answer is - no. They are taking the same path with different "enemies", more advanced weapons and more horrific results. We are allowing it to happen, until we don`t stop re-creating ourselves.
I believe, we can change it, if we would acknowledge to ourselves, what is actually our culture, on what it`s based and which values we carry. It can be terrifying, to see and admit where we are/were wrong, but I think there is no other way!
It is time to open our eyes and see what we are ourselves.

And one more thought. Not mine originally, but still... - EVERY war is a defense-war. What are we defending now?

Take care and find peace in your heart. You are angry, because you feel love and you are afraid that it would be "wasted". Don`t be afraid! Your love is all that counts. To all of us.

June 26, 2007 2:32 AM  

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