I'm Sick of Both

I've been a bit preoccupied the last couple weeks with two main issues: 1) The recent storm that kicked the Northeast in the nads and 2) My son-in-law was home on leave from King George's "war" in Iraq.

I've spent about 15 hours shoveling and still have another 3 or 4 to go. I hope I can finish before the next round of wintery water. I don't enjoy shoveling the way I once did. In the past, shoveling snow was a way for me to spend some quiet moments focusing only on the sounds of the shovel and the effect of gravity on the snow as it battered the ground. After a time you settle into a rhythm and all is right with the world. You gain a perspective and see what is important. Now, I'm just tired. I think I'm going to open the wallet and get a snowblower for the next season. I don't want to, but time has a way of forcing one's hand (and it beats moving to Florida).

More important than removing frozen precipitation is the fact that my son-in-law was home with us for a couple weeks and was able to spend time with his family. I can't tell you how wonderful it was for my daughter. But today, she is a shattered shell of a person. She has another set of months in which she must worry daily about his health and suffer under the weight which is life as a single parent, all thanks to our wonderful president. Being a parent is hard enough, but doing it alone while your husband is in harm's way is quite another. My grandson is the light of my life. I can't imagine what it must be like to be separated for so long from someone so marvelous. He is small, innocent, sweet natured and without a father. When he looks at you, his face lights up as if to say, "I'm so happy to see you." Each time he acknowledges my presence with his glowing visage I thank whomsoever created me that I am alive. I also remember that his father cannot see this every day and want to weep.

Even from the moment my son-in-law arrived, I couldn't help but fast forward to this day when I knew my daughter would have to let him go again. Since our commander-in-chief was spared combat, he doesn't know what it is like, so he has no motivation to end this sham. If he could see my daughter's face, he'd change his mind. I guess that is why they build ivory towers so high.

My mind has wandered from place to place over these last couple weeks. I've tried desperately to find a way out of this madness that is modern American life. But, like quicksand, the more I struggle, the deeper I find myself sinking. I have no way out right now. All I can do is hang on and wait this out. If only my anger would stop growing with each passing day. I've never hated my country before, and perhaps I don't now, but I can't help but wonder what is so wonderful about being in this place anymore? Where are the true Americans? Why has this insanity been allowed to go on for so long? God knows I've done what I can. I've marched and protested and called and written. Such words are wasted on the deaf and dumb (either definition will do).

So all I try to do now is deal with each day's tasks. All I have is the structured necessities of life for each day. I am starting to get my seeds ready for planting. I am thinking of building an electric car over the summer. I'm always trying to find ways to cut back so as to feel a bit less of the grip this world has on my flesh. I am drafting ideas for a local sustainability group. I might take a permaculture course in April ( but only if my taxes don't kill me). I try to get through the day without letting anger gain more territory. I guess I am at war too.